Well its Sunday afternoon, here in Finland, today its a special day called Laskiaisuununtai (don't judge me if my spelling is wrong!) .....Basically that means we go sledding and eat creamy donuts like things (or pancakes).....
Its over a week since we have been back, I've calculated that I wont be going home to SA for the run or dads 70th and settled back into the routine of life here and recovered from the jet lag...
To be honest i'm feeling a little bit blue...I have not exercised since the last lovely ski I had on Thursday. I have just not been feeling well or wanting to do anything and after getting my clothes on for my scheduled long run on Friday I realised that no way can I do this, I got back out of the running gear and crawled back into bed till it was time to get Noah....I do not do this often anymore, but when I do I realise I need to just back off, my body is battling.....I realise I am feeling pretty bummed about the whole not getting to SA for the run or dads 70th...It had kept me going through those months when it was so dark and hard here....I had a goal I was working towards and well...its just gone POOF....and I suppose I have to give it the credit for the effect it will have on me....Giving up things you ahve worked really hard towards does not happen without side effects on how one feels, I know this. However it still blows me away the effect it does have on ones enthusiasm for life if you had really been wanting it to happen....I should be used to it by now....but it still clearly gets to me :)
I also think the realisation that I was once again so far away from my folks and bro...well, like ive said one makes ones heart hard in order to cope with the distance, then you get to be together and when you initially part its all toughness and no tears....and then well....I suppose that little hole in your heart starts to hurt again....so yip.....I am happy to be home, back to the routine etc....but phew....maybe its also making me a little down/sad that I am not with them and not knowing when it will be next that I get to see them all....does it ever get easy??!! I am part of a tribe, I miss my tribe....even if they are loud, irritating, ditsy .... ;)
On top of all that I started the sending off of the job applications to the schools in Helsinki pretty much the day we arrived as the last dates for application were for this past Monday.....and I really don't want to miss them....Lets just say filling in job application forms in Finland in Finnish, when even my dear husband has not a clue what they are requesting for some of the sections can be a bit overwhelming......Anyways, Ive put in many and its been rather hard as I know I wont hear from too many of them as I do not meet the exact criteria (and i'm not a Finnish speaker)...and here the teachers are just soooooo well qualified and good...so yea, on a bit of a downer about that all...
So I basically as I realised a good few months ago, I really need to get out and exercise....i've just had too much time to ponder the issue called life (navel gaze!!).... feel sorry for myself and well lets just say I am a poopy pants :) So at present its all feeling very overwhelming and I want to just crawl into bed and hide out again.....I won't I promise but the feeling is strong to do just that....I've come to far to do that.
I have decided, one more day off of the streets and then tomorrow I WILL force myself out, even if its hard, I know it will help....all these things I have listed above...well they are honestly minor in the great scheme of things, all so very first world...I am still going to raise the money I aimed to for the kids....I will still run the half...I will see my family, just not at the time or possibly place that I wanted....and I will get a job, it may just not as glamorous as what I want or it may be even more exciting than I ever imagined it could be.....i'm just having to learn patience and humility in the process.....I'm an impatient type, I feel I've spent enough time learning life's lessons, I want my life to carry on now....and herein lies the problem ;)
All of this navel gazing and then reading a few articles on 'happiness' and how the role of exercise is in improving peoples mental health is being recognised...has led me back to thinking...., HOW can one get a person who does not want to exercise due to depression to infact move themselves, its so simple, yet its the hardest thing to do if you are in the position of being depressed.....I remember how I felt a few months ago when I started on this little (or should I say HUGE) journey...how I searched for ways in which I could force myself out as I realised it was something I needed to do, and for me it is intuitive that exercise helps...but how to do it when you just physically can't, your limbs are heavy, your mind is blank, you don't want to communicate so who wants to bloody move??!!....I feel like ive come a full circle, I proved I could do it to myself....I proved to myself that it helps, I now KNOW it helps...and I'm terrified of going back there, and I am aware it could happen again so very easily.
So in the darker mood that I have been in I have been thinking what a load of crap it is to have all this research out there yet not actually provide the ANSWER!! Or at least provide ways that can get people who are needing to move....realistic ways.....none of the answers I found were realistic...To know what you need to do, but to also not feel like you can do it really do not help a depressed person feel any better about their situation, in fact I found it all rather depressing and dire, surely if there was/is so much research about how it helps...surely someone has looked into suitable ways to help those who need to really get going...All the suggestions I read were a load of bollocks and I remember reading one particular one saying that you should offer yourself rewards, like going to a movie or something that you want to do and thinking, well doode lovely advice but what a load of shite, you clearly have never been here, who wants to go to a movie when you are depressed, moving from the bed is hard enough...so rather stick to the research coz your advice is feckign bollocks....That kind of thought process is for someone who is able to reason rationally with themselves...
So yea, i'm now on a mission to figure out realistic ways to help people who are depressed, not able to afford therapy or in a position to go to therapy, never mind able to pay personal trainers or people to motivate them......There has to be ways....so help me out please if you have some answers :)
For me, what got me going was spending a good few weeks watching running documentaries....I also loved watching those weight loss programs on TV, the one with the lovely couple Heidi and Chris Powell on....Now I know much of those are very 'American' and geared towards creating a great show, but well, the people they worked with are all so real and face such issues/pasts that they seem to overcome.....I of course googled the ones who really caught my attention....and well...the approach of the program is not only diet, but exercise....and always by the end of the year, the difference in so many of the peoples outlooks was amazing and their transformation inspirational...For me I have never experienced any of the tough stuff these peeps have in their lives....so I do not even have the obstacles to overcome that they did......the Running documentaries and the stories of these amazing people.....all very ordinary...or very much sports people, but with real lives and stories to tell...the guts and determination involved in training for a marathon....well anyways I found it inspirational to the point where I was able to look around and think....shit man bales you too can do this...you can....
Like I explained in my very first blog...The transformation out of the depression did not happen overnight for me, it took many months.....but what helped me carry on was all those stories of people I had watched on TV .... I was alive, my body was physically healthy, so much more than so many people whose lives I had watched being transformed or those who wanted to be around but no longer were, like my magnificent and brave cousin....
So yea, what helped me was sitting on my couch day after day searching for help...not finding anything but the inspiration and strength came through watching others do amazing things with their lives......people basically gave me the help/oomph I needed...No one was trying to tell me how I needed to do this, they were strangers who I just happened to come across and well, they inspired me :)
Ok here endeth this massive ramble and well....if you are still reading...you sure are brave :)
Tomorrow I will get out and move..........
Wow - I identify with a lot of what you have written about depression. It is an evil and vicious cycle and logic goes utterly out of the window. This is only a small suggestion that has helped me at times (and I'm writing now in a pretty "up" frame of mind so I would probably even argue with myself when I'm feeling depressed) but it's almost like trying to trick yourself. Get the running kit on (regardless of how long it takes to work up to being able to), tell yourself that you will run (or even walk) JUST to the end of the street / to the nearest tree / whatever but it must be a ridiculously easy and achievable target. If you get there and that's all you can manage, go home, hide away but feel positive that you have achieved a target. Write it down as evidence for when you don't feel able again in future. But if you get out there, sometimes it can then be possible to take a few more steps, a few more, until your body starts overwhelming the negativity in your mind... and then you have exceeded your target plus hopefully gained a bit of the therapeutic effects of exercise. It doesn't always work but it's helped me in the past so I thought I'd share. Good luck xx
ReplyDeleteSurprise surprise I can identify with this and recent events for me (not doing the marathon etc) have likewise kicked the **** out of my life and goals.
ReplyDeleteI found a lot of the old AA cliches helped. Corny as anything but I do realise 'this too shall pass' when depressed - the sun comes back in the spring and I just have to take 'one day at a time'. But how to get starting to exercise..... well, how to start doing anything which you think will help - the cliche for me for that was 'act as if'. Act as if you want to do it, even if you don't , just pretend you are someone else for a while and act like you want to do it. Get out there and do it and lo and behold you begin to release endorphins and then it starts a path to feeling better. Okay, not always, but I have found more often than not it has helped.
BUT - big but - I have got to WANT to get better. Maybe not want to get doing the exercise, but deep down wanting to get better and believing it can get better. If you don't believe it will ever get better, then I am not sure it is possible to change.