Doubts

Well the euphoria of the half wore off and the realities of life return, along with the doubts and feelings of inadequacies about myself and life in general....Sometimes I just wish one could be on a buzz all the time, be confident and sure of oneself and yea...never feel like you are doing a hash job of it all....

I counted the days, its not PMS, so putting it down to the reduction of endorphines after pushing myself for the half and well....not having a job still and just the uncertainty of my families future, job wise and where we will live....(as in my little Finnish family...me, husband and son).  I had sent some work queries off after Christmas and finally heard back from them, it was a 'Thanks but no thanks' option, it does not matter how much you try be brave, you cant help feel like a failure...the one was in a place I would really love to relocate too (Netherlands) and I suppose that had a real effect on feeling like no one is ever going to employ me again, i'm a crap teacher and all the feelings of insecurity that come from being unemployed for a long time I suppose....So yea...a few days of being slightly blue I suppose is the best way to describe how this week has been.

I now know, when these feelings strike, I NEED to put my shoes on and run....the benefits always override the negative emotions that start to crowd into my mind, I just was not able to do it this week as much as I needed to....What still throws me is the fact that I allow these feeling to even peep in, I know how they make me feel and I HATE it...but yea, negativity and self doubt are just such powerful emotions, they seem to always be hanging around here in the background ready to sign in and take over at the first sign of weakness!!  And this week has been truly NUTS in the household...I wont go into details, but basically my parents discovered they had lost their passports...the boys have been wild, 4 emotional little boys in one house...and yea, the word manic few days describes the house this week :)  With my folks and brothers having to do a rush trip to Washington Dc at very short notice and then nearly get wiped off the face of the earth due to black ice and 18 wheelers, making you think WTF do we all live so far apart.....So I was not able to run as there were not as many adults to man the fort so to say. I have managed to put in 2 runs, and they have done me good...I feel better today thank god, it could be to do withe the fact that the 3 travelers returned before the real blizzard set in with temporary passports in hand......

Its so funny as I suffer NO DOUBT that I can do the half in South Africa now...I trust my body, its so very strong and I really am blessed in that area...my legs are strong, i've developed the coolest lungs of steel...but man my mind is a difficult issue in my life :)

So yip...I suppose for now I just got to go with the flow...this morning / afternoon (in Finland), my husband is in the process of sorting out a job....so that is wonderful, for us it is a big relief...It means we will move in the summer to an area where I have more chance to find work.....and I will learn some Finnish in between now and then (I hope ;)...But I just have to acknowledge the power that 'life', uncertainty, chaos (and being a member of my family = a life that is never dull shall we say) has a major effect on how I feel at any given moment, seems so obvious to you I suppose...but to me, at the age of 41 I suppose you can say I am still figuring myself out...I wish I was one of those people who had it all sorted!! .....I will fight these feelings when they come as I don't want to end up back in the place I was a few months ago...but alas, for now it seems I have to be alert and ready for the crappy emotions as they seem to be lurking close to the surface!! I really hope I get a job soon and I start to get rid of this self doubt about myself being unemployable....I am a good teacher I know this, but well...who said that ones mind was always rational???

Sorry, that's not really about training, but its whats ruled my life instead of running....I have managed 2 runs this week, I have to confess I am amazed that I am moving so much faster than I ever anticipated....its awesome, and I seem to be pushing myself more and more, my strength just amazes me.....Possibly i'm doing this as I know once i'm back in the cold (its been -31 degrees C there lately....so I know I wont manage this kinda running there)...but its glorious.....Yesterday after a long boring morning I got out and really pushed myself and my goodness it felt lovely :)

I am going to run the Myrtle Beach Winter Run tomorrow, its only 15K and I will push myself and see how I can hold up...its usually after 15K that I start to conk out...so i'm interested to see how I do....the only thing is today the weather is foul, wind and pouring with rain...I got dressed to go for a run and then saw, rain....and I made the executive decision not to go..I can run in crappy weather back home, I have no choice, but here...I have a choice....so i'm waiting to see how the weather goes later today, hoping the rain stops...and tomorrow is predicted to be cold, but no rain.....so I will keep you posted...I wont go if its raining, I don't have a raincoat!! (That's my excuse anyways).... Apparently there is a blizzard further up the coast so I am happy to not be there....I have great faith tomorrow it wont rain.....

As for the sponsorship, if you have dared to wade through that trivia, its going sooooo good...So thank you to you all...I really would be sooooo happy if more of you sponsored me....think of those gorgeous kids and the foundation that is doing such a great job helping them out....PLUS the weak rand...we really can pump money into it :)  Emotional manipulation over...

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